Monday, April 17, 2006


When I was oh maybe 10, I was sitting at the table with the family, enjoying a Twinky for dessert. I had developed an elaborate ritual for eating this treat. I would lick out as much of the cream as I could, with the point of my tongue, bite off the remaining golden breaded part, and continue on, presumedly repeating the cunnilingus-and-nip.

I don't know if you've ever seen a kid savoring rather than gobbling a treat, but it's pretty gross.

Like many kids who are fascinated by themselves, I wanted people to watch, so I began explaining my process.

After I was done, my father said in horror: "Jesus! That's disgusting! It's almost sexual!"

Let's forget the sexual aspect for now. Years later, in junior high school, in the era of Farrah, I noticed that many young women looked the same: they were blond, with the hair swept back, and they were golden, with clear lip gloss. They reminded me of Twinkies. I mentioned this to some friends, who all reacted as if I were daft. "Twinkies?"

Decades later, while watching "Friends" on TV, there was an episode where an older man is rumored to have a young girlfriend in New York.

"Richard has a Twinky in the city!" was the line.

No, I don't think that someone from my junior high remembered my observation and migrated to Hollywood, I think that observations like this are in the zeitgeist -- available to anyone.

I was a big Star Trek fan, so it was also in junior high that when talking to someone who seemed deranged or clueless (I was also the first to field the word "clueless" and the phrase "You're toast!"-- in college), I would say, wonderingly, as if serious: "What ... planet ... are you ... from?" The first person I said this to got angry and retorted "Earth! What do you mean?" But my buddy beside me laughed.

I used this several times until the ostracizing factor got too high, and I stopped. I was trying to fit in, and I didn't think I should advertise that I was a freak.

A short number of years later, "What planet are you from?" became and expression of scorn and rejection. I liked it when it was new.

Left grip is 24 pounds (23, 21, 24), right grip is 65 pounds (63, 61, 65).

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