Hysterical rectum

I woke up at around 12:30 AM Monday morning with that piercing pain in my rectum. I think that the thing just clenches and keeps clenching. It hurts. Let's put it this way: My devoted wife said I sounded like a woman in labor. I'd woken her up by asking for two ibuprofen. The pain seemed to go on and on. It seemed like 15 minutes, but I bet it was only five. I was drenched in a cold sweat and I let out a series of short curse words. I asked for a vicodin, left over from the time I had my lower wisdom teeth out in 2003. But just about the time I was trying to figure out how to get the huge pill down, the pain crested. I chose to take a third ibuprofen instead. After a while, the pain was gone, and we went back to sleep. But I'd like to thank the one who took care of me: My wonderful wife.

Left grip is 22 pounds (21, 22, 21), right grip is 74 pounds (64, 74, 71).