i want the word page turned a certain way when i am in bed, so i can reach the word 'suction.' last night's helper had seen and heard my wife 'get it' at bedtime. when i woke for suctioning in the deep dark, i tried several times to turn it right, but she kept undoing it. then i tried using my words. this one had thought in the day that 'caught' spells 'cough t' when i tried to explain how she made my tongue bleed. by the time she threw her arms up to punch the air, the flashlight beam was trembling with rage as she yelled at me for intentionally being mean. when i asked for the sheet because i was cold, more yelling. i asked her to go get my wife, but she refused. when i asked for a blanket, more yelling. she said that she is not coming back sunday night because i am so mean, which she said is 'why people quit on you.' then she spoke on the phone to a 'fucking nigger' who puts his 'dick in bitches.' maybe she was already mad at him, and i got in the way.

by morning she said she'd be back tonight. if she comes, i plan to apologize to her, to lie and appease so i may live.

cs yesterday 1100 - 1930.