Work

I went and had lunch with the guys at work recently, and it does have an emotional impact. So much of your identity gets caught up in work, if you enjoy what you do and are treated well. I saw the fountain when I walked in this time. I remember having lots of responsibility to solve technical and coding problems, and walking in past that same fountain, feeling cool. Stressed, of course, but ... cool. And I was cool. It was fun to face a big monster and tame it, gradually, over time, with my own smarts.

I also saw one of the guys I used to play basketball with. We were intense, charging up and down the asphalt court playing five on five, for over an hour, in intense heat sometimes, once 114 degrees Fahrenheit. Not much charging on that day. But the point is, the point of team sports is, using your body and your brain together, the brain planning moves, sure, but the body, often just reacting in split seconds, unpremeditated motion, knowing what it can do, what it thinks it can do anyway, and once in a while, once a year maybe, that perfect play, where all the forces and chances line up as your rushing legs and reaching arms, eyes, hands, lungs, even your hair are in rhythm, and you make that perfect pass, the assist, two bodies flashing create a tiny moment of space, and you put the ball through it, and your teammate is there, two hands, eyes locked on the ball, he grabs it, pivots, lifts, scores. Game over, you won. How many steals did you get? How many baskets? I want to play. I want to play again! I miss it. But I did play. At least, I did.

To the right is a graph of the number of pushups I have been able to do, over time since my diagnosis. It's not a complete picture of my decline in strength, because at a certain point I felt too much strain was not good for me, so I gave up on this as a goal.

My cough appears to be greatly reduced. It has so far not gone wild. Sometimes I will have an hour of dry hacking, due, I think, to an irritated voice box. Oh, and now I seem to have a minor eye infection. No kidding. Left eye is all red, some ooze came out yesterday. Good thing I am going on powerful antibiotics today!