Sunday, December 24, 2006

Extra spastic last night. So tired today. Think body was fighting the upchuck bug whole family has had. Felt that weird pre-barf feeling. Intensely loyal infusion nurse took our call while she was with flu and asleep -- on Christmas Eve. She arranged anti-nausea prescriptions from a doc she knows. My fabulous wife lost her whole day plan and tubed me the drug, cared for me all day. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to pick up such wonderful people.

You will probably feel a LOT of guilt over the circumstances of my death. This is because it is likely to seem like a preventable accident. I will probably suffocate somehow. And you will blame yourself for not being home, or not responding faster to that noise. I may even be trying to get to you, and might die in evident distress. Sure, suffocating scares me -- I'll be frightened. But unless you take a golf club to my head, know that I DON'T BLAME YOU. I do not want you feeling guilty over something that crept up on us so slowly. Listen to me: My death happened. The circumstances may have been desperate, but I'll know then as I know now: THERE'S NOTHING TO BLAME YOURSELF ABOUT. I lived much longer and much more happily because of you.
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